Confidence Isn’t What You Think: Why Leaders Hold Back (and How to Move Forward)
I hear a lot about confidence as a leadership coach:
Confidence to take risks and bold action.
Confidence to have hard conversations.
Confidence to put yourself out there as a leader.
Confidence to make tough decisions.
Confidence is key—not just to growth, but to navigating our hardest challenges. It shapes how others perceive your abilities. It influences your visibility, your opportunities, and your influence.
And yet, many highly competent people—especially women—hold back from opportunities. Not because they lack skill, but because they doubt themselves.
When confidence is low, the inner dialogue sounds like:
“I’m not the right person. I’m not ready yet. They’ll figure me out. They’ll think I’m full of myself.”
On the flip side, “faking it until you make it” isn’t the answer either. People notice the shifting eyes, the forced bravado, the lack of grounding. Humans have strong BS radars. Fake confidence can backfire.
So, what actually is confidence?
The Real Definition of Confidence
One of my favorite descriptions comes from The Confidence Code:
“Confidence is the stuff that turns thoughts into action.”
Without confidence, our ideas stay inside. We imagine, we plan, we prepare. With confidence, thoughts become real-world action.
Confidence isn’t:
Knowing everything.
Being perfect.
Never doubting yourself.
Instead, confidence is the belief that you can figure it out, learn it, or grow into it. It’s not arrogance (which often comes from insecurity), and it’s not overconfidence, which can read as bluster. True confidence is grounded, steady, and real.
And it’s not fixed. Confidence fluctuates depending on the context. Even the most accomplished leaders feel doubt, especially when they try something new.
Confidence grows through repetition and reflection. It’s built in the doing, not in the waiting.
The Confidence Gap between men and women
The research is clear: women tend to underestimate their abilities, while men often overestimate theirs. An often cited statistic came from an internal Hewlett Packard memo which found:
Men apply for jobs when they meet about 60% of the qualifications.
Women tend to apply only when they meet 100%.
Other research reveals that, in general, women are less likely to apply for roles when they do not meet the qualifications.
This difference isn’t about ambition or skill. It’s about confidence—and about how women often believe the “rules” must be followed exactly. Many though not all women think they need more credentials, more experience, or more certainty before they can step forward.
The truth? Self-doubt isn’t about ability. It’s about internal permission.
Of course, biology plays a role. Women are more attuned to risk assessment. But social norms also encourage women to “stay small,” to avoid risk, to be nice. Biology isn’t destiny, though. With awareness and practice, we can rewire how we respond to challenge and risk.
Confidence as a Choice
Here’s the most important takeaway for everyone: confidence is a choice.
You’re not born with it. You practice it. You build it by acting before you feel fully ready. You build it by taking that next step, even imperfectly.
Confidence grows from action. Action builds momentum. And momentum creates belief.
Confidence, in many ways, is a bridge—the thing that takes you from thinking to doing. And leadership demands crossing that bridge again and again.
A Closing Thought
If you wait until you feel 100% ready, you’ll wait forever. Leaders don’t wait until fear disappears; they act in spite of it.
So don’t confuse confidence with perfection, certainty, or bravado. True confidence is steady, grounded, and built step by step. It’s less about what you know now, and more about your belief that you’ll figure it out along the way.
And here’s the good news: every time you act, you’re building your confidence muscle.
This is just the beginning. In Part Two, I’ll dive into practical strategies leaders can use to grow real, sustainable confidence—without faking it.