Why It’s So Hard to Shake Difficult Emotions at Work

When something small turns into something bigger

I’ve been talking with my clients a lot recently about those things that can completely derail us at work.  It’s remarkable how quickly things can go sideways at work.

It’s often not something dramatic. It’s an email that lands the wrong way, a comment in a meeting that catches you off guard, or a conversation with a colleague or manager that doesn’t go as expected. And yet, within minutes, you can feel the shift. What started as a moment turns into something much bigger internally.

You might notice frustration creeping in. Or disappointment. Sometimes it escalates into anger. Other times, it’s quieter but just as heavy: self-doubt, embarrassment, or even shame. And once you’re in that space, it’s incredibly difficult to shake.

Even when you know you don’t want to stay there. Even when part of you is aware that you need a different mindset to respond effectively. There’s something about these moments that pulls you in and keeps you there longer than you’d like.

The problem isn’t the emotion-it’s how we stay in it

I’ve been there and maybe you have too.  Something at work derails us and it starts to consume everything else.  We ruminate.  We worry.  We agonize about what to do next.  And as we stay in this headspace, we stay in those negative emotions.

One of the things I come back to often is this: difficult emotions themselves are not the problem.

In many cases, they are completely appropriate. Feeling frustrated, hurt, or even angry can be a natural and valid response to what just happened. These emotions are signals. They are telling you that something matters, that something needs attention, or that something feels off.

But where things start to break down is when we stay in that emotional state.

Because when we do, our thinking shifts. We become more narrow in how we see the situation. We’re quicker to react and slower to reflect. It becomes harder to access empathy—for ourselves or others—and harder to think creatively or strategically about what to do next.

In other words, we move further away from the part of us that can actually help us respond well.

What actually keeps us stuck

It’s rarely just the situation itself that keeps us stuck.  It’s what we start telling ourselves about it.

After the initial emotional reaction, there’s often a second layer that kicks in-one that is much more subtle, but far more powerful. This is where we begin to judge, interpret, and assign meaning to what just happened.

Why did I say that? I should have handled that differently.

They’re not listening. This isn’t my fault.

This is never going to change. I’m stuck here.

And then we build a story around this story that deepens our negative emotional reaction.  In other words, we start to spiral.

Some of these thoughts may contain elements of truth. But they tend to pull us deeper into the emotion rather than helping us move through it. They reinforce the feeling instead of loosening its grip.

The quiet ways we self-sabotage

I want to introduce you to something called Positive Intelligence which helps us transition from negative to positive emotions in these difficult situations.

Positive Intelligence launched by Shirzad Chamine tells us thought patterns are referred to as saboteurs.  And what is really useful about framing these patterns as saboteurs is that they don’t always look negative on the surface.

They often show up as strategies we’ve relied on for a long time. Trying harder. Avoiding conflict. Keeping the peace. Staying hyper-aware so nothing goes wrong. Holding ourselves—or others—to very high standards.

On some level, these responses can feel productive or even necessary. But in moments like these, they tend to keep us circling. Instead of helping us process what happened and move forward, they keep us anchored in the emotional reaction.

That’s why it can feel so hard to shift. It’s not just that we’re having an emotional response; it’s that we’re reinforcing it in ways we don’t always notice.

A different way of responding

The shift doesn’t come from changing the situation, or the person we’re dealing with.

It comes from changing the mindset we bring to it. More specifically, we are changing how we are interacting with this difficult situation, person, or thought.

There’s a different part of us—quieter, less reactive—that becomes available when we’re able to pause, even briefly. I refer to this part of us as the Sage. It’s the part of you that can step back, access perspective, and respond with more clarity and intention.

When you’re operating from that place, the same situation can look very different. You’re more able to think clearly, to get curious about what’s actually happening, and to consider options that weren’t visible before. You’re less caught in the immediate emotional pull and more grounded in how you want to respond.

Importantly, this doesn’t mean you suddenly see everything as “positive.” It simply means you’re no longer stuck in a single, reactive interpretation of what’s happening.

Interrupting the pattern

Of course, getting to that place - the sage - isn’t automatic. And initially, it isn’t very easy.

It requires interrupting the pattern you’re in.  That might start with something very simple like noticing and naming what’s happening: I’m really caught in this right now. 

Or It looks like this person has really triggered me (again) and I sense I’m going back to a pattern of negative thinking.  

That moment of awareness can create just enough distance to begin shifting your state.

From there, it can help to physically or mentally step away, even briefly. A short walk, a few deep breaths, or a pause before responding can all serve as ways to reset. The goal isn’t to avoid the situation, but to stop fueling the reaction so you can come back to it differently.

Opening up a different perspective

Once there is a bit more space, you can begin to shift how you’re engaging with the situation.

This often starts with asking different questions. Instead of reinforcing the initial reaction, you begin to explore it. You might ask:

What am I not seeing here? What additional context about this situation or the person might be helpful?

What do I like or could I like about what t

What can I learn from the situation?  How might this experience benefit me in the future?

What mental or emotional muscle can I build here?  How might this situation or experience make me stronger and more capable?

Is there a possibility or a pathway here that I haven’t considered?

What truly matters here if I am thinking about the long-term?  What helps me stay grounded in my values?

What meaningful or inspiring action could emerge from this? (And when a situation feels too hard to see the gift clearly, simply ask “What might be the gift here?)

These aren’t questions you need to answer perfectly. Their value is in how they open up your thinking. They help move you out of a closed loop and into something more expansive and constructive.

Building the muscle over time

None of this is about getting it right every time.

Difficult situations will continue to happen. Emotional reactions will still come up. There will be moments when you get pulled in before you even realize it.

What changes over time is your ability to notice it sooner and shift more quickly.

With practice, you spend less time stuck and more time in a place where you can respond thoughtfully and effectively. You begin to trust that even when something feels difficult in the moment, you have the capacity to work with it.

That’s really what this comes down to.

Not eliminating difficult emotions—but building the ability to move through them in a way that actually serves you.