Rethinking Feedback: How to Build Growth Without Breaking Trust

Let’s face it—giving feedback (aka constructive criticism) is one of the hardest things we do at work. Whether you’re managing up, down, or across, it can be awkward, emotionally charged, and complex. It’s a regular topic in my coaching sessions, and one that even the most experienced leaders struggle with.

While I don’t claim to be a feedback expert, I’ve coached dozens of leaders on this topic and want to share what I’ve learned—what clients report works (and doesn’t), and what leadership experts agree on.

Sometimes feedback is well-received—especially when the person is open to learning and growing. Other times, it falls flat or gets misinterpreted. In my 20 years of managing people plus nearly a decade of coaching, I’ve experienced firsthand and heard what works and what backfires.

Of course, not all feedback conversations are about coaching for growth. Sometimes they’re part of a performance management process where someone’s role is on the line. The tips below are best suited for situations where the person is open to development and the goal is improvement—not discipline.

No One Sized Fits All Approach

Let’s start here: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Context matters. We now have five generations in the workplace, each with different expectations around communication. On top of that, each person brings a unique behavioral style that shapes how they give, receive, and act on feedback.

While keeping that in mind, what are some tried and true strategies?

Let’s start with clear patterns around what not to do and then turn to some powerful strategies that help make feedback more effective, respectful, and growth-oriented.

The Not To Do List

DON'T avoid or delay giving feedback.
Many managers avoid giving feedback—especially when it’s critical. Some wait weeks or even months to raise something that should’ve been addressed in the moment. Avoid offering vague comments in passing in hopes the message somehow lands. The problem? Delayed or unclear feedback erodes trust and diminishes the chance for course correction. Performance evaluations aren’t a substitute for real-time conversations.

DON'T forget about psychological safety.
Some think psychological safety means protecting people from negative feedback. It doesn’t. True psychological safety means creating a space where people can make mistakes and learn from them. Feedback should be honest, respectful, and routine—woven into the culture, not reserved for when things go wrong.

DON'T be vague or overly general.
Saying “You seem disorganized” or “You’re not meeting expectations” is unhelpful and damaging. It creates confusion and resentment rather than clarity. Worse, vague feedback can reinforce bias or stereotypes (e.g., “Gen Z is lazy” or “Boomers can’t adapt to change”), further eroding trust.

DON'T focus only on what’s going wrong.
If you only point out mistakes, you're missing a crucial opportunity to reinforce strengths. Most people grow professionally when they are operating in their zone of strengths.  Great feedback includes what's working—so people can do more of it—and shows you see the whole picture.

DON'T deliver a monologue.
Feedback is not a lecture. If you’re doing all the talking, it’s not a conversation. One-sided feedback shuts down learning. Make space for the other person to reflect, respond, and share their perspective.

Seven Things That Work

DO: Make feedback routine.
Build a culture of frequent, timely feedback. Don’t wait for the annual review. Feedback that comes in real time is more actionable and less emotionally charged. It shows your team that growth is ongoing.   

Ask your staff to review their work.  Say, “What is your assessment?  What worked?  What didn’t?”  Create spaces for these reflections.

DO: Provide your reaction, not your direction

In The Feedback Fallacy, organization experts Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall argue that much of what we call feedback is filtered through our biases and doesn’t help others grow. They say, “The research is clear.  Telling people what we think of their performance doesn’t help them thrive and excel, and telling people how we think they should improve actually hinders learning.”

Instead of telling people what to do, offer your reaction to their work—it’s more honest and more helpful.  So instead of directing someone to fix a problem, provide a reaction.  

❌ “This is poor quality work.” → ✅ “When you did X, I couldn’t follow the organization.”

❌ “You lack strategic thinking.” → ✅ “I’m struggling to see the full plan here.”

❌ “Can I give you some feedback?” → ✅ “Here is my reaction.”  

❌ “Here is what you should do.” → ✅ “Here is what worked best for me and why.”  

The key with this feedback is to create space for the other person to consider what could work better.  

DO:  Be specific and behavioral.
Use a model like Situation–Behavior–Impact:

“In yesterday’s meeting (Situation), when you interrupted Sam (Behavior), I noticed it shifted the tone of the discussion and made it hard for them to finish their point (Impact).”

This kind of feedback is clear, respectful, and easier to act on. But even this model benefits from humility. As Buckingham and Goodall argue, it’s more helpful to frame it as your experience—“I felt cut off in the meeting when you spoke over Sam”—rather than as a judgment about the person’s behavior.

DO: Lead with curiosity.
Don’t assume you know what’s going on. Ask questions first:

“How did that feel to you?”
“What were you aiming for in that exchange?”

You’ll gain insight—and often, the person will self-correct once they’ve had space to reflect.

DO: Tailor your approach to the person
Different people have totally different behavioral styles. Some want directness. Others appreciate a warm-up or a bit of context. Know your audience, and meet them where they are.

Before you offer feedback, think about what approach you’ll take.   I dive into this subject more deeply here in this blog: Want to be more compatible with your co-workers? Know their communications style.

DO: Invite collaboration.
Instead of delivering a monologue and prescribing solutions, co-create them through a conversation:

“How do you think you could approach that differently next time?”
“What’s your take on what happened—and what could be done moving forward?”

DO: Assume positive intent and bring authenticity.
And before you walk into a feedback meeting remember this: you are there to help and the other person is only human.  The conversation isn’t a battle to be won.  It’s a conversation.  And while that conversation might not be easy, it is there to help them grow and deliver their best work.

And remember it’s ok to be authentic and open.  State your intention to find a solution and ask for their help to get there.

DO: Close with learning and next steps.
Ask:

“What’s your takeaway from this conversation?”
“How can I support you?”

Share what you learned, too—feedback is a two-way street.

A Note on When Feedback Isn’t Optional

While much of this blog focuses on feedback as a tool for growth, it’s also important to name that not all feedback moments are about development or reflection. Sometimes there are clear policies, protocols, or standards that must be followed. In these cases, the goal of feedback may simply be to clarify expectations, correct behavior, or reinforce non-negotiables.

When safety, legal compliance, or organizational integrity is at stake, feedback may be more directive—and that’s appropriate. In those moments, clarity and accountability are essential. You can still approach the conversation with respect and empathy, but the tone and intention will naturally shift toward alignment and follow-through.

Shifting from Correcting to Cultivating

But when it is about growth, we want to shift from correcting to cultivating. Building excellence isn’t the absence of failure.  It’s helping to grow and develop what’s uniquely strong in each person. If you want people to grow, show them what’s already working. Help them see their own brilliance—and how to build on it.  And when they 

Avoid the traps. Lead with intention. And remember—it’s not about perfection, it’s about progress.